Tuesday, December 23, 2008

For Whom the Butt Tolls

“Please! Donate to the BDRS Fund today!” said a man in the beginning of a commercial. That man was Richard Rich, head of the BDRS. Rich was a well-liked guy, leading a research society dedicated to curing BD; better known as butt disease. Butt disease was a recently discovered disease, and little was known about its causes and effects. But one thing was sure; people wanted a cure.
Rich and his scientist friend Cassius Cash decided to start the BDRS, the Butt Disease Research Society, in 1995. Few acknowledged their efforts, but in recent years, people across the world have rallied in support of their valiant efforts to fight butt disease. Donation boxes were in schools, sports teams donated ticket sales to the fund, and a huge concert event was launched, all proceeds going to the BDRS fund. Money was pouring in from everywhere, and butt disease patients had more hope than ever for a cure.

Richard Rich awoke from his castle-size bed, yawning. Today was the start of another great day. After his morning routine, he picked up the phone and called Cassius. “Hey Cash! You ready for today?” he asked.
“Oh, you bet. I’ve been waiting for this for a while now.” replied Cassius.
“I’ll see you in a bit,” replied Richard, and hung up the phone.

An hour later, they were on a boat to visit an obscure and unusual island.
“This sure is the life, isn’t it?” said Richard to Cassius.
“Oh, I know. Who knew butt disease research would take us to such exotic lands!” Cassius responded in an exaggerated tone of voice. The two began to laugh.
“Butt disease! Hah! If only they knew. It was such a brilliant idea for us to make up this research society fund! With our brilliant minds, no one would ever know that it was all a ruse. These ‘visits to exotic islands in a search for the cure’… oh, how well we fooled everyone!” boasted Richard. The two continued to laugh about the situation.

In two weeks, they returned. At the doctor’s office, the two waited for the results of their check-up, so that they could return to America. The doctor entered, a strained look on his face.
“I have terrible news.” he said, solemn.
“Oh, no, what is it?” Richard and Cassius said in unison, fearing for the worst.
“You have… butt disease. The very disease you men work so hard to prevent and cure. I’m so sorry.” the doctor said, leaving the men.

This is why I should not be told to write these things. I will actually do it.

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