Monochrome: 20

Kieran sat at the counter in his silent apartment. His sketchbook lay open and a bottle of beer sat near it on a coaster. His pencil and eraser sat on top of the paper. He tipped his seat back carefully, balancing precariously on the stool’s legs. He could faintly hear someone in the hallway. A quick, sharp knock came at his door. Kieran tipped his seat forward to rest and walked to the door. He peered through the eyelet, seeing Finn; he seemed upset. Kieran opened the door.

“Hey,” Kieran said.

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

Kieran turned and walked back into the apartment, Finn following. What’s this about…?

“Am I an idiot or something?”

“What?”

“Am I just always screwing up and no one wants to tell me?”

“No, what are you talking about?”

Finn sighed in frustration, and said, “Bee broke up with me.”

Kieran wasn’t sure how to respond. Finn continued.

“She tells me… she doesn’t want to force me to be with her when she knows I don’t love her. She thanked me for what time I did spend with her.”

“…did you love her?”

“I thought I did… But now, I don’t know, she could be right. Aren’t I supposed to?”

“I don’t think that’s something you really have any control of,” Kieran answered.

“I guess… but, I feel like I screwed up. Again.”

“Again?”

“This happens to me all the time. Every single girlfriend I’ve ever had. Am I doing something wrong…?” Finn wondered, face strained with disappointment. “I always figured that… even if I wasn’t into someone when I started dating them that it would change.”

“Don’t push yourself. You’ll find someone. And… I’m sure you’ll be happy,” Kieran told him, his heart sinking a little bit.

“Thanks… you’re a good friend, Kieran.”

Monochrome: 19

Finn was returning from work, again. When he reached the third floor, he caught sight of a girl standing at Kieran’s door. He thought back to what Liadan told him.

“…are you Devlin, by any chance?” Finn asked her. She turned around and looked at him.

“Yes. Kieran’s neighbor?”

“Yes. Finn,” he said, then added, “Blake.”

“Aha. Do you know where Kieran is?” she asked him.

“No, I just got back, myself.”

“Hm, alright. Thanks,” she said, heading towards the stairs.

“Wait!” Finn said. She paused.

“…yes?”

“Do you… think I could talk to you for a bit?”

“…alright.”


They sat in a diner across the street. Devlin wanted something to eat, and Finn wanted to talk somewhere else, thinking Kieran might show up. The diner was small and quiet, walls covered in kitschy decorations and novelties.

“What did you want?” Devlin asked, glancing over the menu.

“It’s about Kieran.”

“I figured as much,” Devlin replied. She noticed Finn’s confused look.

“He’s the only connection we have.”

“I guess so.”

“So what’s up with him?”

The waitress stopped by, asking for the order.

“A club sandwich and a hot chocolate, please.”

“Just coffee, for me.”

The waitress left with their order, and Finn went back to their conversation.

“He’s… tried to kill himself before, right?”

“…yes. He hasn‘t for a while, though…”

“I think he may have been considering it a few days ago…”

Devlin was looking out the window. She asked him, “Why do you think that?”

“He had a gun.”

She turned her head quickly, eyes widened. She then narrowed them, resting her forehead on her hand and letting out a sigh.

“I swear, I’m gonna kill him. Not… literally, of course…”

“How long has he been like this?”

“Since he was younger than me.”

“Has anyone ever done anything about it?”

“His parents tried sending him to therapy after his first attempt… he improved, a bit, or maybe he was just careful about seeming that way. But that didn‘t last.”

“You know, the first time we talked, he told me he didn’t have anyone to stay with… which was why I let him stay with me until he got his key back. What about his parents and the rest of his family?”

“His parents are dead.”

“Oh… I didn’t--”

“Yeah. I know. The rest of the family… is kind of complicated. They don’t really want anything to do with him. I actually have to hide that I’m meeting him, which has been pretty difficult, for a while… but I’m starting to get more opportunities.”

“That’s awful…” Finn said.

Neither of them said anything. They watched the street outside the window as they waited for the waitress to return.

“Do you… think you can help him?”

“I know I’m trying.”

Monochrome: 18

Finn slowly made his way up the apartment staircase, carefully placing his feet on each step. He had two bags of books, one on each arm, and another pile cradled in front of him, blocking his view. Today, he got to take in a surplus of old, unwanted books from the bookstore. They smelled like a cellar and were still covered in some dust. Their pages were yellow with age.

His foot made its way to the third floor, but caught on the step, sending his body forward. His elbow smacked hard against the ground and his books spilled all over the floor.

“Ahh, shit…” Finn muttered, rubbing his elbow. I probably should’ve asked for help bringing these in… He began to grab the books closest to him on the floor. Kieran came out of his apartment.

“Need some help?” he asked.

“Oh, hey Kieran! …yeah, I probably could,” Finn said, laughing. Kieran crouched down and started gathering books.

“There’s a hell of a lot of these…” Kieran said.

“I like books.”

“I noticed.”

They finished cleaning up the mess and Kieran walked over to Finn.

“Gimme those,” he said, referring to one of Finn’s bags.

“Huh? I can take them.”

“Just give ‘em to me.”

Finn handed him the bag and walked to his door, taking out his keys. They entered the apartment and set the books down on the dining table.

“Thanks,” Finn said, smiling.

“Want me to help put them away?”

“Eh? You don’t have to do that. It’ll probably take a while.”

“What do you do, alphabetical order?” Kieran asked.

“…yeah,” Finn said. “I need to record what I have, first.”

“Ah. Yeah. This is a lot.”

“I’ll be right back,” Finn told Kieran. He walked down the hall to the study and picked up his laptop. When he returned, Kieran was sorting the books. Finn took a seat with his computer, and started to type. Kieran handed him books.

“Oh, do you remember my friend Luke?”

“I think so,” Kieran answered.

“He told me today that he’s gay,” Finn said.

Kieran was silent.

“I don’t have a problem with it, you know? But I am a bit sad he didn’t tell me before,” Finn added. “I get why, I just wish he felt more secure about it.”

“…yeah,” Kieran responded. “Why tell me?”

“I’ve just been thinking about it all day. I know you probably don’t care, I just wanted to talk about it. I think I can trust you.”

“…thanks.”

After Finn finished making his inventory, they started to put books away in the study.

“You know… I think that, for now, I’ll put these at the end. Separate the new from the old. This way it’s easier for me to find them,” Finn explained.

“Alright.”

Filling the shelves became relatively quick work. Kieran sorted out the books and handed them off to Finn.

“I have a question…” Kieran began.

“Yeah?”

“Are you happy with your life?”

Finn paused for a moment. He didn’t really see that one coming. He thought about his response.

“I think so. But, people always tell me that I’m too much of an optimist,” he said, laughing. “Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering…” he replied, passing off another book.

More Doodles

Monochrome: 17B

The cold metal of the gun between Kieran’s warm hands only added to his anxiety. There was nothing good about it, and it pronounced the sharp contrast of the thoughts flowing through his head. He couldn’t stop moving his hands, in some way, or else he’d feel like he had made a decision. Now was not a time for decisions.

His hands sweat, and his breathing intensified. He didn’t know where to focus his eyes, so he shut them. He didn’t like the dark, so he opened them. He brought a hand to his face, pressing firmly. He sighed.

Why am I like this?

He stared at the object in his hands. He could feel its weight.

Make a choice.

The door opened, suddenly, and he heard a voice. He quickly looked up. It was Finn.

“What are you doing…?” he asked.

Shit. Shit shit shit. Now he thinks there’s something wrong with you.

“Oh, this… doesn’t work,” he started. He searched his head for an excuse. “It’s for art reference.”

Finn continued to stare. He doesn’t believe me.

“Really. It’s not even loaded and the safety’s on,” Kieran added, turning the gun to show the empty magazine slot. That much is true, anyways. I wouldn’t load it.

Finn was unchanged.

“I’ll get rid of it, if you want.”

“Yeah.”

He stood up, and thought of where to put it. The storage closet. With the other props. He slid open the door and tossed it in.

“There.”

Silence.

“…what’s up?” he asked, awkwardly.

“I wanted to tell you, I‘m sorry. I had no right barging in here like this while you were out,” Finn apologized.

Not this…

“Ahh… yeah…” Kieran got out. He couldn’t look at Finn, so he looked at the floor.

“Your paintings are great, though. You’re like… professional-level, you know? You could definitely make a living off of them.”

What?

“Eh? Thanks… you don’t think they’re weird?”

“Huh? No,” Finn answered. “They do seem a bit sad, though.”

Kieran said nothing. He doesn’t know? He didn’t notice? He remembered something, and picked up the bag on the floor.

“…by the way, you left this here?”

“Oh, that’s for you.”

He looked in the bag and pulled out the sketchbook. A sketchbook? Oh, it was my birthday two days ago. How did he know that?

“…how did you know it was my birthday?”

“Liadan said it was in the middle of January. I got the day right?”

“Yeah… thanks, Finn.”

Finn smiled and said, “Hey, that’s the first time you said my name!”

Kieran’s heart sped up a bit. Shit... I don’t think I’m getting over this, any time soon.

“…yeah.”

Monochrome: 17

Finn avoided Kieran during the next two days, hoping he would calm down. It was the 14th, and he was on the third floor staircase. He stood at Kieran’s door. He still wasn’t sure about what he would say. Humoring himself, he checked if the door was locked. Surprisingly, it wasn’t.

Really? Again?

He took a breath and opened the door. As he entered, he said, “You know, you should really lock your door, Kieran.”

He stopped.

Kieran looked up, startled. He had a gun in his hand.

“What are you doing…?”

Kieran looked at the gun in his hand.

“Oh, this… doesn’t work,” he said. “I’m using it for art reference.”

That’s bullshit.

Finn stared at him.

“Really. It’s not even loaded and the safety’s on,” Kieran said, turning the gun to show the empty magazine slot.

I know you’ve tried to kill yourself before, Finn thought.

“I’ll get rid of it, if you want,” Kieran offered.

“Yeah.”

He stood up and slid open the storage closet door, tossing the gun into a pile of props.

“There.”

They were both quiet.

“…what’s up?” Kieran asked.

“I wanted to tell you, I‘m sorry. I had no right barging in here like this while you were out,” Finn apologized.

“Ahh… yeah…” Kieran said, looking at the floor.

“Your paintings are great, though. You’re like… professional-level, you know? You could definitely make a living off of them.”

Kieran looked up at Finn, a bit surprised.

“Eh? Thanks… you don’t think they’re weird?”

“Huh? No,” Finn answered. “They do seem a bit sad, though.”

Kieran didn’t respond.

“…by the way, you left this here?” Kieran mentioned, holding the bag the sketchbook was in.

“Oh, that’s for you,” Finn said.

Kieran looked in the bag and pulled out the sketchbook.

“…how did you know it was my birthday?”

“Liadan said it was in the middle of January. I got the day right?”

“Yeah… thanks, Finn.”

“Hey, that’s the first time you said my name!” Finn said, smiling.

“…yeah.”

Monochrome: 16

Finn decided that, for now, he would focus on Kieran’s birthday. Art was the only hobby of Kieran’s that Finn was at all familiar with, though he didn’t know much about supplies. Most supplies were very expensive, and he had already picked up some paintbrushes. He thought back to Kieran’s sketchbook. He could probably use another one of those, at the rate he was drawing. He wondered what Kieran’s art looked like.

Finn stopped by the art store nearby after work. There was an aisle filled with nothing but sketchbooks. Finn looked through them carefully. Most of the books had flimsy paper covers and paperboard backings. He looked for something sturdier. He found a hardcover book with recycled paper. It was a bit more expensive, but, it’s good to have something solid, he thought.

When he got back to the apartments, he decided he would give the book to Kieran today. When he reached the third floor, he went to Kieran’s door and knocked.

“Kieran, hey, it’s Finn.”

No answer.

“I got you a present. Liadan told me that your birthday was coming up.”

Still, no answer. He tried turning the doorknob. It was open.

That’s strange.

He walked in, uncertain.

“Hello?”

No one was there. Finn wandered to the counter, and set down the sketchbook in its bag.

Why is his door unlocked?

Finn decided, after a moment, that he would take a peek at Kieran’s artwork.

I’m going to get caught, and he’s going to be pissed, Finn thought as he looked around. This is a terrible idea. But, I want to see his art.

He caught sight of the storage closet towards the back of the room. I think he stores his paintings in there.

Finn walked to the door, and gave it a tug. It slid open, and he entered the closet. He turned the light on, and saw the canvases.

There they are! he thought, and approached the rack. He carefully pulled a few out, and gazed at them.

Oh, wow. These are great, he thought. He spent a few minutes looking at the others. They seemed a bit melancholic.

I should put these away and go, before he’s back, Finn thought. He started to put a few of the canvases back on the rack.

“What are you doing here?” a voice asked. Finn jumped. He quickly looked at the doorway. It was Kieran.

“I’m sorry--” Finn started. Kieran caught sight of the paintings and his face drained of color.

“Get out!” he shouted.

“I just--”

“GET OUT!”

Finn ran past Kieran and out the door, into the hall. He shut it behind him.

I fucked up.